Why does Sam still, so desperately want to die?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-WLd6BDhu4&feature=youtu.be

In the clip for this week Sam mentions again that he wants to die. We know how miserable Sam has been for a while now. Over loosing Amelia and the way his life has panned out. But why does he really so desperately want to end it all, still after what Dean said to him in the chapel and how he coaxed him off that ledge. He’s probably still regressing from the grace that was inside him. I don’t know if that is controlling his feelings. Or he’s simply had enough. But why is he turning his back on everything and everyone?

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I wish at times I could get into Sam’s head space and wonder what he’s thinking. Sometimes I find him so hard to read. Or is this just me. He’s in a bad way over Dean also with the trials stuff that keeps circulating around in his head. This I get and can relate. But its like he’s continually on the same band wagon. I don’t get where it all steamed from in the first place. Sam has been the negative one, against being involved with the hunting life, and not being able to settle down and at such a young age he feels as though his life isn’t worth as much as anyone else’s life. Where do these suicidal thoughts come from? They are so deep which have obviously scared him mentally considering what he’s been through, but why the urgency to leave this world? Do any of you get where he’s coming from? 

Had those trials meddled with his mind, that he didn’t know which way he was pulling, and not being able to give his own mind some peace and tranquility. His journey has been tough over the years, there is no doubt. But has season 8 progressed we felt Sam and confessed what his greatest sin was in letting Dean down all the time, and that he couldn’t do it to him again. But was it much more than this. Or is it a culmination of events that have brewed up inside of him?

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Sam is very angry about  a number of things at the moment, this we are all well aware of. But those thoughts have been manifesting for some time and they haven’t gone away fully. He’s still contemplating it, and considering it. So how bad has Sam’s life got that he wants to end it, and go up to the gates in heaven and be one of them and shake hands with Bobby. Had Bobby’s demise actually strengthened those original thoughts. Had Bobby’s death bin the final straw? I just hope his head can work through and see that light again, cause from were I’m standing Sam’s life is worth much to any one and that’s a terribly sad place to be in.  Had those trials really affected Sam way more than any of us ever really thought. Had God’s plans messed with Sam’s head?

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11 Comments

  1. I think the reason why Sam wants to die is that he is afraid, Lucifer would break free again and possess Sam again. Only this time he feels he might not be able to stop him and the only way to stop Lucifer from getting full control of the vessel, is for Sam to die.

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  2. Sam just needs a Peanut Butter and Banana sandwich and grow up nobody wants to see family die! I’m on Dean’s side on this one
    I am so torn as I can see both sides. But I can see where Sam is coming from.

    Love Aunty B xxx

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  3. I’m not quite sure where this discussion is coming or going anyway. It doesn’t matter whether or not Sam is suicidal, since this is a fairly successful CW show and everybody has signed contracts and the show is being renewed for next season.
    I know that in the back of my mind, I am just trying to understand where these original thoughts steamed from becuase he’s not let these thoughts naturally die. He’s been wanting out for a while, whether it be from hunting or dying. Its all of course for drama and effect. But he really is depressed, which isn’t like Sam. And yes I know he’s never faced something like this before.

    I’m never bent out of shape about either one of them dying because I know it won’t last and also they’re not going to remain separated for long, as no one is going to watch a show with just one of the brother’s in it. The writer’s have said there is an endgame and everything Carver has said and done so far makes me trust where he’s going and Sam’s suicide isn’t even part of the equation.
    I’m not either as I see the bigger picture and know they will never permanently split. I will get those depressed thought’s out of my head then. It just felt like it. But he is angry. You should see the thread’s on the board now about Sam and Jared over his twitter remark. And that Sam Winchester should die. Its awful this week, because he’s always moaning about wanting out. I think Jared was right but I think he could have picked a better time to have said it. Other actors have also added to it. Many fans are behind him.

    Once again Bella I think you’re being much more daring and imaginative than the writers of the show (and makes me wonder what this show would possibly be like if you were in charge of it. We’d never figure out anything.) 😀
    Mum, you have me in stitches, you know I would LOVE to write for this show or any show as a writer. The thing is I am finding it difficult to read these boys now so god knows what it would be like if I wrote it. I know one thing I would definitely make Sam more sympathetic and likable that is for sure.

    Love Aunty B xxx

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    1. I don’t think Sam is suicidal. Guilt ridden. Angry. Self reflection and depressed but not suicidal. He has not taken any unnecessary risks…so far… that lead me to believe he is suicidal. His belief in doing the right thing and the natural order is coming out. His words to Dean in 9.13 are disturbing and said so coldly but honestly but we have seen Sam be that way before but usually when he is under the influence of something. I do think it will all play into a bigger event that encompasses the mark of Cain- if the writers are smart- otherwise Sam is turning into a character that is far less embraceable. I think it is quite purposeful, but again I give Carver the benefit of the doubt at this point. It is a darker show even with the humor because the relationship is broken at least from Sam’s point of view.
      I sent the three of you an article from Laura from the Huffington post its a long read but it really is worth reading. She has got at both brothers, but equally. She really understands what’s happening.

      Love Aunty B xxx

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    2. Once again Bella I think you’re being much more daring and imaginative than the writers of the show (and makes me wonder what this show would possibly be like if you were in charge of it. Wed never figure out anything.) 😀
      THIS

      Thanks barb, I’m blushing.

      Love Aunty B xxx

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  4. I think he doesn’t want to die but is WILLING to die for the right cause. Unfortunately he never said this in Sacrifice. If we are confused about how he feels then….poor Dean!
    I just get the feeling its deeper than this. I’m not sure if its all blaming Dean. But he just seems desperate to end it, that his life isn’t worth much or any less than anyone else’s. He’s had enough for sure this I can read and get my head around. But if he is suicidal where is that gonna end up. Is he actually going to try it if he’s this desperate. He is so depressed, but I’m not entirely sure what over.

    Love Aunty B xxx

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  5. Maybe he does not want to die but is willing to die if the bad stuff stops. He has always thought that he could stop the bad stuff by taking an action, drinking demon blood, taking on the trials, sacrificing himself. Willing to die every time he goes out on a hunt, maybe he is expressing it now. Or has he adopted Dean’s somber outlook in place of his light at the end of the tunnel. good question.
    I get if the bad stuff stops he’s willing to sacrifice his own life for the bigger picture. But this sounds much, much deeper. Like he’s taking it out on Dean for not allowing him to die. He really is hell bent on going because he’s fed up to the back teeth with it all and his lot. The trials were the pinnacle, but I think he’s in such bad shape mentally I don’t think he really knows what he wants. Whether Gadreel has infected those inner thoughts I don’t know. But Sam usually forgets deep thoughts like this after a time, but this time he hasn’t he’s still deeply depressed.

    Love Aunty B xxx

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  6. I am not convinced from what I have seen that Sam is desperate to die. I believe that Sam is extremely upset about two things. First, he is repeatedly reminding Dean that he was ‘ready to die’ when he was in that coma. I think he is saying this because he believes the choice to live or die in a situation like that should have been his and his alone–that Dean’s tricking him into making a different decision than the one he had arrived at was a great betrayal.
    I know he’s thinking its a great betrayal, but does he really hate Dean that much that he wants to end it. I don’t get Sam if this is what he’s thinking.

    Second, he is saying that his life is not worth more than anyone else’s. I believe this comes from his terrible grief over Kevin’s death at Sam’s own hand. He believes that Dean’s choices included deciding that Sam’s life was more important than Kevin’s and that led to Kevin’s death. Cas seemed to have helped him with that, but the grief certainly isn’t manageable yet.
    This I can by, he’s guilt ridden over it that he’s actually done the deed and not Gadreel, the blood is on his hands and can’t live with the guilt. He sure is one messed up man. I was pleased that Cas reduced those thought’s at least. But just finding hard to get my head around he wants to end it all because Dean’s help was at the back of it all. This whole situation hasn’t done Sam any favors in the long run, its just made him worse.

    The issue about his comments regarding the talk the brother’s had in the church–his saying Dean talked him out of closing the gates of hell–is tougher to figure. Sam seems to be chaining these things all together and instead of remembering the talk as a reaffirmation of the brotherly bond, he is viewing it as another incident of Dean tricking him-saying whatever he had to so that Sam would stay alive (which equates to Sam thinking Dean didn’t really mean what he said at the church).
    Why is Sam thinking like this, I just don’t get why he’s hell bent on destroying what they’ve got. Dean was trying to help in his own way. Even though it got out of hand! As you say in the next paragraph I wonder if he is magnifying it all.

    It’s all very worrisome and if it continues to be magnified, I will start wondering if Gadreel maneuvered some of Sam’s memories to tip the scales to his advantage. –AB/C
    Well thought out point, this is what I’ve been wondering myself has Gadreel had something to do with it. But he was thinking those thoughts before so Gad could have been swaying them to Sam’s advantage. I wouldn’t have put it past him. He knew Sam wanted to die and who knows what powers angels have in manipulating peoples minds. His thoughts are really complicated to piece together and think both of them have a lot to get through.

    Love Aunty B xxx

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    1. I agree. Sam isn’t suicidal. He doesn’t want to die now but he is willing to die for the cause. He does not believe its right for other’s to die in his place and doesn’t believe Dean should keep bucking the natural order to make himself happy. Sam is carrying a massive weight of guilt that may be going as far back as season two when Dean sold his soul. Dean had no care for how watching him go to Hell on Sam’s behalf would affect Sam. Sam reacted badly then too. (In a sense the demon blood addiction can be blamed on Dean as well. Do you really think it would have happened if Dean had been alive?)
      I get this that he doesn’t want others to die in his place. But he’s still wanting to go down that dark road. He is in a dark place whether he wants to end it or not. He’s thinking dark thoughts. Brilliant thought about the natural order I wouldn’t have thought of that one. This is much more like it and can relate. The guilt does go back to season 2 and I think this is why its manifesting now, as those skeleton’s come out and bit him up the bum, they continue to remind him of the past. I don’t get that bit about the demon blood, Dean was alive? Or have I missed something. It wasn’t Dean’s fault that Sam had an addiction?

      Sam is certainly feeling guilty for Kelvin’s (laugh out loud, I love the typo Kevin’s got new name Kelvin)!!! death. Every time he survives, in his worldview, someone else get’s sacrificed in his place. And that comment about Dean making sacrifices as long as he doesn’t get hurt is spot on. Dean doesn’t deal well with change, anyway but when he has the ability to craft the world around him to make himself happy, that’s what he does. It’s what he always does. Dean likes his life just so and Sam is a part of that and Sam is saying its a selfish way to live because it doesn’t take other people’s choices into consideration. Dean did it to Kevin and he did it to Charlie too. He wants the world to be the way he likes it unfortunately every time he plays that card someone else dies.
      I love these thoughts there amazing. 😉 I can begin to see where Sam’s coming from now. I didn’t before.

      What Sam say’s may or may not be true but he does have a great point. Dean didn’t save Sam for Sam. He saved him because he doesn’t want to consider himself a failure for not saving Sam and he doesn’t want to be alone. It was largely that motivation that urged him to seek Sam out in season one. And he’s mentioned it off and since then so why are people shocked that Sam has noticed it. Btw, this doesn’t mean Dean is a bad man. It makes him a fundamentally good man, with an overwhelming flaw.
      Yes I agree. He is a good man but will he eventually have to let go of something or someone, being Sam. This will kill him, as he’s won’t be able to cope. This on-going circle the Winchester’s get them selves into is clearly heart-breaking. I can’t believe though with all my heart that Dean would have let Sam die in the hospital. He said last week its not within him he finds it too hard to let Sam go. So where does this leave Sam?

      For all the people crying about how Dean had no story-line be careful what you wished for because this is it. Next season – it’s Sam’s turn though.
      I know I clapped my hand and laughed when I read this. How many months have they moaned and groaned that Dean hasn’t had an arc in three years plus. Now he has, is it showing him in a good light. I’m not so sure.

      Love Aunty B xxx

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      1. What Sam says may or may not be true but he does have a great point. Dean didn’t save Sam for Sam. He saved him because he doesn’t want to consider himself a failure for not saving Sam and he doesn’t want to be alone.
        This is partly true. However I think Deans job, as far as hes concerned, is SAVING PEOPLE> It goes against all his natural instincts to let someone die that he can save. Does either of them ever ask the people they save if they want to be saved? No they both assume they do. Just as Dean always assumes Sam would want to live. I hate that they are making it selfish that Dean wants Sam to live.

        I can see this, that its Dean’s natural instinct to save someone. He couldn’t not attend to someone and walk away. I never felt that it would end up like this though, not in my wildest dreams…

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      2. Oh incidentally the theories I’m throwing out there are things that were said in the show last night. It does make Sam look unsympathetic and it hurts to hear him say such things but its necessary and here’s my take: please stay away from those boards if you value your sanity at all. I’ve glanced at those boards from time to time but I try not to make it a habit because at least half the people on them are a bunch of hysterical, screaming ninnies that I want to just want to push in front of a bus for being stupid. I always end up yelling at my computer. (Its best for my sanity to stay away from them, anyway.)
        I have read as much today and couldn’t stomach very much of it. It left me numb how negative they are about him. They are so blinkered about Dean, I could scream. One is saying Sam is right and their eating her for breakfast. I am so used to it being anti-Sam and have myself been told that I have double standards, which didn’t go down to great. But I stand by that I love both of them and that’s good enough for me. I guess I have grown immune to the hate. The individual squads are great for this as you do feel safer. I just find its so addictive and you can’t stop yourself. Also I love the knowledge that creeps out. Some of the posts are really thought provoking and get me thinking. It’s not all bad and bitchy.

        Also all the show is illustrating imho is that Sam is not Dean. If he was just a twin or a clone the show wouldn’t be nearly as interesting. The way it is now, the clash of personalities is fascinating and I wonder how the brothers will work it out and how its going to be resolved. It will be resolved because they know that no one is going to watch a show about two brothers who hate each other for the next two seasons. And lets be fair they’ve been through worse than this. At least they’re not beating the crap out of each other like season four. That was the lowest point for me and I haven’t watched that episode since it aired. I just cant. (Also some people just look for any excuse to hate Sam.)
        It has got me interested again too, I can see Dean’s pain in his eyes, and how Sam is so cold towards him. I never dreampt Gadreel would cause Sam this much pain after. I know we need the drama but why does it always have to be Sam dishing it out. They always make him look bad. Sam was such a lovely guy when he first started. Now they’ve just ripped him to shreds until there is nothing left. Some don’t even recognize him any longer. Which is so sad.

        Yeah for some reason my Kindle wants to spell Kevin ‘s name that way from time to time. Its weird.
        I snuck that in there and thought I wonder if you would spot it, you know I’m only kidding 😉

        Love Aunty B xxx

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